Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
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Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.