Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan