[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.


My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol


ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?


The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.


Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it


Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?


Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”


Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”


Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.



If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.