If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read
Guy 2: Got it
Woman: So what-
Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?
“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”
Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.