[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Okay me first
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
this has done me in for some reason
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them