Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
at ease…shoulder.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.