[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
#math
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters