[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
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Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on