The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Me: oh no
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
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Me: *pointing at nothing* Hey, what’s that?
My guardian angel: *looks where I am pointing*
Me: *runs into traffic*
I woke up in a bathtub full of ice in a cheap motel with stitches all over my torso. I was afraid that I had been attacked by organ thieves, but it turns out that it was actually good samaritans who put a bunch of extra organs into me. I have like five livers now.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
i made the mistake of watching a single zit popping video on youtube and now my recommendations screen is trying to make me barf
Me: *has a single thought*
Facebook Headquarters: HEARD THAT LOUD AND CLEAR. COMMENCE THE ADS.