@Buffalojilll

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

You Might Also Like

@beefman138

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: *pointing at nothing* Hey, what’s that?

My guardian angel: *looks where I am pointing*

Me: *runs into traffic*

@Gooooats

I woke up in a bathtub full of ice in a cheap motel with stitches all over my torso. I was afraid that I had been attacked by organ thieves, but it turns out that it was actually good samaritans who put a bunch of extra organs into me. I have like five livers now.

@sophielou

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

@Ygrene

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

@charliesgonenow

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

@wendchymes

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

@fart

i made the mistake of watching a single zit popping video on youtube and now my recommendations screen is trying to make me barf

@mommajessiec

Me: *has a single thought*

Facebook Headquarters: HEARD THAT LOUD AND CLEAR. COMMENCE THE ADS.