*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
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Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My love language is deader than Latin
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.