*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Was it something I said?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it