Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.