Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.