My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
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Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked “You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?
You are the banner of my existence.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces