[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
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I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Merry Christmas
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Accurate
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”