You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Don’t snitch tag.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.