Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day