For cardio I live beyond my means.
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Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.