[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

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Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok


At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.


Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos


I just fought a child-proof container to the death.


My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.


No, takeout goes in the front seat.
You sit in the back.