[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
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luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet