@o__0Dev

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

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@deathoftheparty

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

@MorticiaKate

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

@sammorril

People always say “congrats” when someone says they’re pregnant, but I think “oh no” should be used much more often.

@Fred_Delicious

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

@decentbirthday

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

@robfee

I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.

@clichedout

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

@buchtweets

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

@girl_a_whirl

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*