@o__0Dev

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

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@SkunkFarts

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

@novicefather

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.

@chrisdowning

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

@NotARatsAss

My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”

@LurkAtHomeMom

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@Bearslietoo

My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.

@jergarl

ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL

-Dr. Dolittle

@AsgardianRose

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.