you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
People always say “congrats” when someone says they’re pregnant, but I think “oh no” should be used much more often.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*