Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??