The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.
No DNA test necessary.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.
ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.