poseidon: has anyone seen my trident
zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
batsignal illuminates the night
*mothman slams right into it*
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*