Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
You Might Also Like
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Whoa… oh I see lol
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
The Birdles
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”