Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

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poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit


[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never


Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?


[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”


A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.


DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]


Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*