[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’ve had relationships like this
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”