product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.