Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
i smell a pulitzer
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Leaving the Barbers like
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.