[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
A woman drives into a bar.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”