@ShortSleeveSuit

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

You Might Also Like

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

@weirdralph

The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.

@allisulli

LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block

@BeTheCookie

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

@1evilidiot

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

@UncleDuke1969

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

@ThatBloke_Jesus

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

@hazelmotes1

Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil

@Douchekevin

The girl I have a date with tonight texted and said ‘I have no gag reflex 😉 ‘
So I guess that means I’m taking her to a Nicolas Cage movie