[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

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Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
“Wake up!”
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”


The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.


LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block


What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”


Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.


Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.


[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?


Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him


Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil


The girl I have a date with tonight texted and said ‘I have no gag reflex 😉 ‘
So I guess that means I’m taking her to a Nicolas Cage movie