[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
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Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
5 ways to appear taller
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Phonetics