*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
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Who’s your best friend?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Hotels are back
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
👾👾👾
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No