[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
You Might Also Like
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”