@XplodingUnicorn

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

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@DavidRaymondT

I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.

@ValeeGrrl

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

@thegreatnanak

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

@DayneDimmick

I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.

@HeyZeus666

You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.

@Reverend_Scott

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

@yenniwhite

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

@doublewenis

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

@lisaxy424

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore