[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow


Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.


[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now


If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.


Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.


*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.


yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book


Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up