THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
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guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.