I want a relationship like from Up.
She dies and I get a flying house.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.
You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore