@Tmoney68

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

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@theDanLawler

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

@BritXMeh

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and you’re a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details.

If you’re reading this Adewale, call me?

@E_lok44

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

@Book_Krazy

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

@Underchilde

I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.

@TheBeerGuy73

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@McInappropriate

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

@shhrugg

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

@Schmoodles

Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’

Live & learn, guys.