@lasergirl70

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

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@pilau

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: What did you do on vacation?

Me: Didn’t come to work.

Coworker: I know that!

Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.

@nbadag

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

@rebrafsim

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

@tastefactory

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

@juliussharpe

I’ll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.

@Parkerlawyer

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

@RantingOwl

Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times