Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning