Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Coworker: What did you do on vacation?
Me: Didn’t come to work.
Coworker: I know that!
Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs
[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
I’ll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Pro tip: don’t do anything to entertain a toddler that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing 1,000,000 more times