Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?