I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.