Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk


she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”


DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want


*bar, late night*

Her: You want to get out of here?

Me {giddy}: Yeah let’s go

Her: Do you have protection?

Me {searching my pocket for my Legal Consent form}: Yeah


Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.


Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.


Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?


DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink


2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad


If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them


Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*