*walks up to cute teller at bank*
Me: you wanna grab lunch some time?
T: sir, I’ve seen your balance.
M: yea, I was hoping you’d buy.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: Not today Satan.
Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.