@JohnHilsen

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

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@michaelianblack

Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.

@bobvulfov

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

@ClichedOut

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@SuburbanSleuth

I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.

Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.

But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?

@_ElvishPresley_

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

@JessObsess

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

@LMaretta

6, that’s SIX, people emailed everyone at work with the SAME information which has resulted in 48 replies and now I wanna quit my job.

@mommajessiec

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

@TwinSurvivalist

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.