@JohnHilsen

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

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@AmericanGent69

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

@jonnysun

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

@turbolazers

*bar, late night*

Her: You want to get out of here?

Me {giddy}: Yeah let’s go

Her: Do you have protection?

Me {searching my pocket for my Legal Consent form}: Yeah

@texasstalkermom

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

@Izzybcrazy

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

@longwall26

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

@vineyille

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*