Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns