@JohnHilsen

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

You Might Also Like

@torahhorse

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

@ValeeGrrl

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

@NurseSeymour

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

@notstupidgaycat

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

@ibid78

When life hands you
2 Lemons
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
4 eggs
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue

@Schmoodles

I’m responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.

@Tmoney68

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

@Elizasoul80

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

@TheDailySchmuck

I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.