Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

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Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.


[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles


me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register


I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.

Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.

But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?


Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot


You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry


6, that’s SIX, people emailed everyone at work with the SAME information which has resulted in 48 replies and now I wanna quit my job.


My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.


My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.