Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

You Might Also Like


*walks up to cute teller at bank*

Me: you wanna grab lunch some time?

T: sir, I’ve seen your balance.

M: yea, I was hoping you’d buy.


exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break


Me: Not today Satan.

Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.


The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.


one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on


Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.


Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.


I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.