[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
You Might Also Like
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Guantanamo Bae