Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
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[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue