[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
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He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year