@Fred_Delicious

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

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@ericonederful

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

@MsSugar_Kisses

Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills..
All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..

@causticbob

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

@AdamTheLobster

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

@ericsshadow

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

@shkeeber

I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.

@vxlk

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

@Cycloptomese

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

@ItsAndyRyan

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

@Elizasoul80

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.