Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

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Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It’s called Facebook.


“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter


“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined


[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?


Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.


Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.


*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops


Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.


*leaves church*

*sees McChicken video*

*goes back to church*