Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It’s called Facebook.
Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
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“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Wife: *opens door*
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*sees McChicken video*
*goes back to church*