*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
All set.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok