@D2BMcG

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

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@Browtweaten

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

@E_lok44

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

@batkaren

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

@fuzzlime

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

@DanaSchwartzzz

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

@junejuly12

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

@Nickadoo

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.