[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
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“Ninja please” -Japanese people
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
the answer was staring at me all along
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.