*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
The only equipped I am is ill.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out