@sosexuaI

gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

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@tweetsbyrocket

zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure

wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?

zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”

wife: yea it’s him

@Yankeegiant72

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

@captainkalvis

Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity

Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest

Me: ok but the ar-

Friend: the armor’s gotta go too

*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*

@omerwahaj

An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

@jnrbtsn

I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.

@Skoog

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

@UnFitz

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

@PaperWash

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL