gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

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Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount


I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.


You’d think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.



Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!


I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.


[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.


To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.


*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..

In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.


me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth