zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure
wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?
zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”
wife: yea it’s him
gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
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I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity
Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest
Me: ok but the ar-
Friend: the armor’s gotta go too
*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*
An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Don’t Drake and drive or you’ll end up at your ex’s house.
I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL