[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
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[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”