@DanMentos

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

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@westofsunday

Stranger:So,you’re a parent?

Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs

S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat

Me:…. Nope

@TeaAndCopy

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

@wolfpupy

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

@better_off_dad

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

@weinerdog4life

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

@djdarrellripley

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

@3sunzzz

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

@squirrel74wkgn

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

@pplwtching

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

@TheMichaelRock

We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.