gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
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My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.