“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one