“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
security at the airport getting more straightforward
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.