I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
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Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Social Media and Real life
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.