@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

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@AndrewNadeau0

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

@brian_bilston

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

@daemonic3

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

@Jonesy_donkey

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

@Rollinintheseat

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”