@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

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@ozzie31220

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

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me: i’m coming over
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

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Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

@TribalSpaceCat

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.