I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
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Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
getting old is fun
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME