I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
gf’s dad: what do you do
me: i give out free drugs
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Who called it an internal dialogue, instead of an invoice?
gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Finally thought of a retort to my bro’s friend who kicked me from his car in 1998
I don’t need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Listen guys, if a 5yo comes up to you and asks if it’s true that zombies won’t eat kids who eat their broccoli, BACK ME UP, DAMN IT.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.