gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs


gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

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Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.


Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.


Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.


[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?


Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore


I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.


Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*