I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
gf’s dad: what do you do
me: i give out free drugs
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DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”