My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
gf’s dad: what do you do
me: i give out free drugs
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Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you