5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Monica just destroyed the internet
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.