GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either