GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It





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“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?


You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”


If the guy behind me stands any closer I’m going to go in for a hug.


If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.


I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.


Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading


I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I’m going to have to read it upside down.


If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.


Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.


My kid and his friend were super excited because they made a cake in Minecraft and I got the NASTIEST look when I told them they could do that in real life and actually eat it.