GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
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Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
even bears disappoint their mothers
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers